i have depression if you coudnt already tell but you probably don't care because it doesn't involve you and I don't matter, but here we go into the story.
anyway it probably started around 3 months ago, I just felt worthless, I felt fake, I felt like nothing. nothing at all. not the slightest sliver. I was just playing minecraft to keep me away from the pain, and couldn't find of a better way at the time. at the moment I was thinking of suicide. I decided not to for no reason really, other than just poking at myself to see if I could last another day. to strain me. to remind me that I was nothing. apart from those feelings we started school, I realized friends were fake and none of the **** here matters. it pretty much landed to me goofing off to keep me from crying instead apart from having nothing to do. I got called evil and a horrible person as well as biased by and teased by teachers, which were sexist. and ive had this feeling for probably the last year and a half that if I wasn't good enough for "her" I wouldn't be good enough for anyone I like. I love. I want. I need. heres where starts getting up. around a month after that (2 months into the story) I got a place to chat with her online. I couldn't talk to her irl because i'dup or would accidently stutter and say something and act like a huge idiot. anyways I talked to her there. well I really up because her mom checked it. she screenshotted a "sample" about wanting to kill myself and like that and sent it to my would be stepmom except my family's too poor to marry. around this time my dog died. anyways she talked to me about it and I just plastered on a fake smile and lied, "I'm fine, ive never thought about anything like that" meanwhile I was looking that up on my computer at the moment (self-harm tutorials) anyways we talked, the week after that I decided not to put anything like that on the chat and use "fake happiness" which seems to be working. anyway my stepmom told me to play on my computer at the moment and I asked "why not later" anyway she just said "you're turning to a teenager with a bad additude... blah blah blah," anyway when she reached the depression she just said "you're probably over exaggerating, so stop saying stuff like that," and basically told me to get over it and like that. after that she said "just get an additude adjustment or else well do something, in other words she probably doesn't care much if I self-harm, kill myself, or "whatever". that brings me to today where I was thinking about suicide and self harm again and thinking how people have pretty much picked on me for saying "its nothing, its not real so stop pretending you attention hungry *******" and was considering self harm. just to relive the real pain. the one that hurt me, the pain I couldn't just act like it was a little hill. it wasmount Everest. I couldn't get over it raw and bare and naked and vulnerable. everything In my life was ruined so far in every aspect I could see. im really thinking about and considering self-harm just to relive the emotional pain there was. conclusion I up got in trouble for wanting to kill myself and now am considering it. time to go and plaster the smile on my face again.
life hurts, or is completely numb.
anyway it probably started around 3 months ago, I just felt worthless, I felt fake, I felt like nothing. nothing at all. not the slightest sliver. I was just playing minecraft to keep me away from the pain, and couldn't find of a better way at the time. at the moment I was thinking of suicide. I decided not to for no reason really, other than just poking at myself to see if I could last another day. to strain me. to remind me that I was nothing. apart from those feelings we started school, I realized friends were fake and none of the **** here matters. it pretty much landed to me goofing off to keep me from crying instead apart from having nothing to do. I got called evil and a horrible person as well as biased by and teased by teachers, which were sexist. and ive had this feeling for probably the last year and a half that if I wasn't good enough for "her" I wouldn't be good enough for anyone I like. I love. I want. I need. heres where starts getting up. around a month after that (2 months into the story) I got a place to chat with her online. I couldn't talk to her irl because i'dup or would accidently stutter and say something and act like a huge idiot. anyways I talked to her there. well I really up because her mom checked it. she screenshotted a "sample" about wanting to kill myself and like that and sent it to my would be stepmom except my family's too poor to marry. around this time my dog died. anyways she talked to me about it and I just plastered on a fake smile and lied, "I'm fine, ive never thought about anything like that" meanwhile I was looking that up on my computer at the moment (self-harm tutorials) anyways we talked, the week after that I decided not to put anything like that on the chat and use "fake happiness" which seems to be working. anyway my stepmom told me to play on my computer at the moment and I asked "why not later" anyway she just said "you're turning to a teenager with a bad additude... blah blah blah," anyway when she reached the depression she just said "you're probably over exaggerating, so stop saying stuff like that," and basically told me to get over it and like that. after that she said "just get an additude adjustment or else well do something, in other words she probably doesn't care much if I self-harm, kill myself, or "whatever". that brings me to today where I was thinking about suicide and self harm again and thinking how people have pretty much picked on me for saying "its nothing, its not real so stop pretending you attention hungry *******" and was considering self harm. just to relive the real pain. the one that hurt me, the pain I couldn't just act like it was a little hill. it wasmount Everest. I couldn't get over it raw and bare and naked and vulnerable. everything In my life was ruined so far in every aspect I could see. im really thinking about and considering self-harm just to relive the emotional pain there was. conclusion I up got in trouble for wanting to kill myself and now am considering it. time to go and plaster the smile on my face again.
life hurts, or is completely numb.
